Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen Fright Night 2: The New Blood (better known as "the one with Jaime Murray"). I'm not one to quibble over PG-13-naked Jaime Murray vampirism... but I will.
1. I know I'm the only person who cares about this, but this is the fourth version of Fright Night to come out. The first one was, obviously, the first one. Then they made a sequel to that in which the hero chalked up the first film to being a hallucination (not kidding) and so they had to do the whole "VAMPIRES ARE REALZORS?" thing again. Oh, and that one had a girl vampire too. Then they did a remake with Colin Farrell as the vampire. Now this is supposedly a sequel to that remake, but it doesn't continue that story at all--in fact, it reuses the characters that Colin Farrell, Anton Yelchin, etc. played, learning about vampires all over again. So this is another remake, not a sequel, and should if anything be titled Fright Night: The New Blood (NO numeral).
2. These are possibly the worst excuses for heroes I've ever seen. Yes, Evil Ed was always annoying, but previously he was endearingly annoying, and you could at least sympathize with his love of horror movies and shit. This Evil Ed just watches a dumb Ghostfacers type reality show. What true nerd likes that crap? Yes, I'm playing the true nerd card. We need to draw a line somewhere. Nerddom can make room for minorities and alternate sexualities and the disabled, all of that, but let us draw the line at Ghost Hunters.
3. Charlie, our hero, is even worse. We're told he cheated on his girlfriend and he's introduced peeping on a woman having sex (yes, Jaime Murray Vampire is being an exhibitionist, because all lady vampires are sluts, but still, he doesn't have to look). So yeah, rooting for Jaime Murray.
4. We have two scenes where Charlie accidentally stumbles onto Jaime Murray Vampire having sex and something hinky happening. Could it be... VAMPIRES!? I'm thinking this is just because Jaime Murray saw the script and asked "Can we add a pointless scene where I make out with a lady? My fans are going to watch this movie just for me and I need to do something to make it worth their while. Make her a redhead too, thanks."
5. In the other movies, Charlie kinda accidentally stumbles onto Jerry Dandridge being a vampire. Here, Jaime Murray is pretty much advertising it to him. There turns out to be a SUPER-CONVENIENT reason she needs this schlub alive instead of killing him immediately to tie off loose ends. Still, amazing she's lived this long when she's so conspicuous about being a damned creature of the night.
6. As always, there's incredibly accurate 'folklore' about the vampire, with no discrepancy between accounts and no idea who found out and spread this information. Also, it's communicated to the audience through the movie becoming an uber-cheap motion comic for a good five minutes. Look, guys, honesty is the best policy--just cut to Jaime Murray, have her say they used the entire budget paying her to take baths in blood, and so she'll be reading the blatant exposition to the camera. It beats spending time with our chucklehead male leads.
7. Gratuitous close-up of a guy pissing.
8. Gratuitous close-up of a poopy toilet. Guys, C'MON.
9. This is one of those movies where the hero's in an estranged relationship, but because he saves his girl's life, she gets back together with him. Because, you know, the hero can't just save a total stranger because it's the right thing to do. He needs to get a reward. A SEXY reward (exception: Chris Evans in Cellular, who saves Kim Basinger WITHOUT GETTING INTO HER PANTS. Chris Evans is the best). Just once, I'd like to see the hero save his ex, then have her tell him "yeah, thanks for the help, but that doesn't magically make our relationship functional." Like, if I find out my girlfriend is fucking dogs, then she saves me from a mummy, I'm not going to suddenly be okay with her getting in bed with Wishbone.
10. Okay, if Jaime Murray Vampire can no-sell getting hit by a car, then how can a stake possibly pierce her skin? Maybe a holy object like a cross is able to penetrate her clearly super-strong skin, but a random prop?
11. Did Charlie really need to rig up a wrist-mounted stake? Can't he just carry one? I thought time was of the essence.
12. I'm totally unsure how the climax works. Amy needs to kill Charlie for Jaime Murray Vampire's ritual to work, she bites him which turns him into a vampire (even though we're shown earlier that Jaime Murray Vampire had to consciously want to make her victim a vampire), so he stakes himself in the chest but misses his heart, which harms Amy?
14. How is Charlie able to use his thirty-second-old echolocation ability to shatter windows? Human opera singers are able to do this, but obviously it's very hard. How did he learn that? And why would a vampire have windows in her lair anyway? I mean, c'mon, that's just obvious.
15. Jaime Murray Vampire transforms into an old lady when she doesn't get blood, so they hired an old lady instead of putting Jaime Murray in make-up. But the woman is clearly quite a bit heavier than the svelte Jaime Murray. No judging, but how does that work? If Jaime Murray doesn't drink blood, does she rapidly age AND gain fifty pounds? From where? Does she eat that much all the time and the blood just acts as some sort of super-laxative?
16. The original Peter Vincent was an old Hammer film actor who hosted a TV show that screened scary movies. The remake Peter Vincent was a stage magician in Las Vegas. This Peter Vincent is the host of a Ghost Hunters type reality show. In keeping up with this general diminishing of charm and appeal, the next Peter Vincent will be a child molester.
17. Amy, you ignorant slut. You could've been Jaime Murray Vampire's sub for all eternity! YOU COULD'VE HAD IT ALL!!!
18. Movie, don't tease me with Peter Vincent fortifying a strip club with pages from the Bible and then don't follow through by having vampires attack.
19. CHEST TATTOO'S EYE VIEW.
20. Imagine if Jaime Murray's plan had worked. "I did it! I can walk in the sunlight! I can get a tan! Finally, I don't have to be so pale--wait... no, NO! I'M BRITISH!!!"